Forumi Horizont (http://www.forumihorizont.com/index.php3)
- Gjuha Spanjolle (http://www.forumihorizont.com/forumdisplay.php3?forumid=178)
-- darke (http://www.forumihorizont.com/showthread.php3?threadid=6026)

A virtual letter to you

(have no sleep)

In the paths of life ,streets,encounters you can suddenly recognize people of your own kind .The look in their eyes is unqestionable ,is unmistakable.Just from that look you can tell sb. has been through hell and kept going with hope inside his pockets...You can tell wether he has been in the so known prison or not,a prison of mind ,a prison born from the wrong definition of freedom...
When I saw into your eyes,i saw familiarity.They were penetrable ,just like mine,because just like me you had a story to tell,a sad story.A sad past that maybe ,just maybe was going in the present too..
No surprise ,there are people out there that their sad past is their present hell...And the eyes tell all of it.
There's a special code,an unerstanding without words ,with just looks,among us ,among people that fight in a spiritual world,that want to express things creatively . It's a special light of eagerness in the eyes,eagerness to open up,to embrace and wellcome people even though we love so much the solitude.There's an eagerness to let things out of the chest ,confess to sb and ,if he doesn't understand you at least repsects your whimps of joy and your downfalls of depression,your moodiness.
But the eagerness doesn't get filled ,still..
The more you open up,the more you want to express ,to get it off your being and form something indipendent ,that resembles you .It's a releif ,a grasp.
It's art..
We do ,I do , You do.
It is as powerfull as the look in the eyes
eager look
penetrable
transcendent light
expressive
It's a good tension we build in air,an aura, an energy we have in our silence.
Just by that look you can know what a person is like.My intuition has already made surprisingly galopant steps in recognizing people with a look.
It's a matter of the light in the eyes,their shapes.There's something wide and passionate,something unfullfilled in them,something helpless and at the same time beautiful.
The unfullfillness takes wings to get filled outside the being .I guess that's what makes me write or paint or play music for that matter.I print in this way in time a materialized self ,a resemblence to fill the void and i want that resamblance to go detected, to be appreciated ,explored and prized because it is me and i want "hugs". Artists want hugs...
I have a story to tell.
You have a story to tell.
Everytime i want to freeze a moment and fix it in my memory ,everytime i feel the need to leave footsteps of a vivid real life scene in paper, everytime i feel the need to sketch a still life object or make a photo iwant to tell sth.
I feel i have a story to show ,a story coming from the past and living in my present .I don't know what the story is ( i know it is deep in my subconscious that comes out in flashes and daydreams) but i know i have to let it out in different shapes,comes in different characters,different times and places.
I have a story to tell-that is what the eyes are eager to say.
that is why i find in almost everything sth to create ,sth that is my imprint .
That's how art begins i guess...

FROM THE SERIES OF VIRTUAL LETTERS

Lately i have discovered things that have opened my eyes. It's a CLICK,not a photoshooting click ,an AHA-moment click.
Not about writing,but about life.
It is like a black shakespeare -curtain opening up ,actors coming out, stories ,lives to be known ,to be a part in.
If before i was a spectator ,a poor one because i was the audience of myself not of the events and people around me ,now i am an actor ,i have a plot ,a gist ,goals to be finished at the end of the show .But the most important thing of all is that i am not faking ,i am true ,playing myself.

I am me and if i act not to please an audience but to please an invisible eye ,sth far greater, far deeper i will be praised not only in this life but even in the other.
Have you ever felt that you were on top of the world ,that you could do anything ,invincible and powerful? HAve you felt like flying ,full with energy and ideas and hope lingering around you?
And have you ever felt so low that you could bite your nails , eat your heart out, feel a slithering cut of melancholy and solitude in the middle of the night as well as in the sunshine peak of the day ? Have you felt depressed ,trapped with fears and doubts?
I HAVE.I am sure you have...everybody has..
Some days ago i had feelings of loneliness ,shyness and guilt.
Guilt ruled ,it was powerful, it was cruel....
Today i am surprisingly calm and peacefull like a quiet sea with white waves.
I was the sea in every wave :why then some of the waves were bitter and some sweet?
I am the actor of my play(life) why then in the same play i perform excellent and bad ?
Today i read the saying: feeling small is a reflection of how you see yourself not of how others see you. Feeling powerfull is the same thing.And yet at both cases it is me .
It is wether an ilusion or a desilusion.
Everyday you hear or read sayings like: you have your life in your hands ,or if you believe you are a winner you probably are, or everything can be atchieved if you believe , but what they are missing is the main point.
You need sth to be focused ,you need an exaple in your life.Since people live with examples all their lives why not choose the right one ?
I choose an eye,i choose Jesus.

VIRTUAL LETTER TO LORIE

Dear Lorie,

I have been reading your letters. You always make me think. I tell you that the example that I chose is my father. Jesus is too much abstract for me.
Today, I was sat down in a park, in the green, drawing some sketches in my notebook. In these kinds of moments is when I can be during hours just looking around, in silence, observing people, listening to movement of the trees... (it's like becoming invisible for a while). I was thinking of my desire to come to Chicago. I remembered when I told about my desire to my father during a lunch. He didn't answer me in that moment. He just listened to me and I know he was reading in my eyes more than what I was talking there. Deep down, people complain, I have complained lot of times even I do, but people love routines. The reason seems to be very simple: routines give them the false sensation of being safe. Today will be exactly like yesterday, and tomorrow will bring no surprises. When night falls, part of the soul complains that nothing different was experienced, but another part is content – paradoxically, it is for the same reason. “Evidently this safety is completely false; no one can control anything, and a change always appears at the moment one least expects it, taking us surprise and with no chance to react or fight (like love?).
What is reality? It is that which we imagine it to be. If many people “think” that the world is like this or like that, everything around us crystallizes, and nothing changes for some time. However, life is a constant evolution – social, political, spiritual, on whatever level it may be. In order for thngs to evolve, it is necessary for people to change. As we are all interlinked, sometimes destiny gives those hindering evolution a push. Generally in a tragic way, but tragedy depends on the way you see it. If you chose to be a victim of the world, anything which happens to you will feed that side of you where you consider yourself wronged, suffering, guilty and deserving punishment. If you choose to be an adventurer, the changes – even the inevitable losses – can cause some pain, but will soon thrust you forward, forcing you to react.
I was reading this afternoon that in some oral traditions, wisdom is represented by a temple, with two columns at its entrance: these two columns always have names of opposite things.
I would call to one Fear and the other Desire. When a man stands at this entrance, he looks at the column of Fear and thinks: "my God, what will I find further ahead?" Then he looks at the column of Desire and thinks: "my God, I'm so accustomed to that which I have, I wish to continue living as I have always lived." And he remains still; this is what we call tedium. Tedium is... movement which ceases?. Instinctively, we know we are wrong, and we revolt. We complain to our family, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, children, neighbors. But, on the other hand, we know that tedium and routine are safe havens.
Can a person remain his whole life in this situation? People can be pushed by life, but resist and remain there, always complaining - and their suffering will be useless, will teach them nothing.
We can stand for the rest of our days facing one of the many doors we should go through, but we must understand that we have only truly lived up to that point. We may continue to breathe, walk, sleep and eat - but with less and less pleasure, because we are already spiritually dead and does not know it.
"Until one day when, as well as our spiritual death, physical death appears; at that moment God will ask: "what did you do with your life?" We must all answer this question, and ohhhhhhhhhhhhh those who answer: "I remained standing at the door."

and where am I

Citim:

---

Po citoj ato që tha analistja
and where am I

---

Citim:

---

Po citoj ato që tha analistja
and where am I

---

Letters again..

Today was not like yesterday,tomorrow won't be like today.
Even if there's a slight chance of taking some time off from self exploring ,its' there ,it's a living thing.
It is tremendously ,constantly a line that never stops , a journey that has no end.
Yesterday it was not me writing
Today it is me
Tomorrow it won't
As soon as i finish typing this letter to both of you it won't be me because i will have already changed just by writing it .Writing is a mirror that you put for yourself to see where do you fall short ,what's missing ,what needs to be done. It's self-consciousness.
Did you know that we are APT to be over self- conscious about different circumstances in order to produce them in an artistic way? It's strange,scary, but to me it comes natural.
Time ago a mirror was put in front of some monkeys by psychologists to see if animals think and realize that they are seeing the self.They did , they checked themselves ,their faces in the mirror.
Once i took Tessy ,my cat and hold it in front of the mirror.She looked dumb,not any clue what she was seeing, herself or some shiny surface?
At the point i felt lucky to have the gift of being self conscious about myself and of course about others. I would have gone nuts if i hadn't any idea what i was, what i was doing in this world ,what the purpose of me being here was? I found the answer to this questions feeling lucky again considering that many people don't know what they look for even at the last minutes of their lives.
I remember the french movie "les invasions barbare" ,where Remy Girard ,a cinical ,arrogant person having had lots of flirts and adventures with women,having had the fun of his life,being rich ,is faced to the imminent death.And what does he say in the last days of his life is:
-I still can't come to terms with it
-You know you have to
-I can't accept it
-That's how it is, It's the law .The very instant you shut your eyes millions more will die with you.
-But i won't be there anymore,Me.I'll be gone for good. If at least i'd learned sth.I feel as hopeless as the day i was born.I haven't found a meaning .It's ....i have to search .I have to keep searching...
Now isn't that sad? All his life didn't have a meaning.He lived a shallow life.
And the sarcasm in the other scene when his friends are with him begins:
-we've been everything..separatists,supporters of independantist,sovereignists,
-at first we were existencialists we read sartre and camus
-we became anti-colonialists.we read marcuse and became marxists.
-marxiste-leniniste
-trotskyists
-maotists
-then we changed ,we were structuralists,situationists
-feministe-a woman friend of his said
-deconstructionalists
(and then the final verse that struck like irony to these fools)
Is there any ISM we haven't worshiped ??

All these lives ,empty lives ,lives in search of answers for embracing the right world view.They never found the truth ,the way of living happily.
That's why poor Remy was empty ,he didn't have any richness in his spirit, he was starting to live only when he said: i have to search, i have to keep searching .(for answers)
That's why so many old people when they see death approaching start to read the bible.
Please ,don't stop searching for answers till you are sattisfied ,till you are filled ,complete and happy,till you won't feel like an akiles torned appart ,till you finally feel home. home in your spirit.
Please...it is the most important thing in this life.You have your self-consciousness as a gift to find out.And curiosity too.
Please try...
PLEASE...

Letter II

My dear Lorie,

The searching is neverending… I carry home inside me. Sometimes when I was at “home” it was painful, some things was not right, but my idea of “home” was in me, home has always been my refuge. My home. In some way, I am my own home.
Do you see all those people here with that flags “PROUD TO BE ALBANIAN”. They carry their homes with them, Albania is in their minds, Albania is in their faces, in the sound of their voices. I saw Albania in you, in your sister, in Greta, in Arjana, when I met you. Do you see? Albania is walking out there everyday… how many Albanias are there in the world?
Few time before dying, my grandfather said: “Life is a shit”. Is it supposed that he found the “truth”? Oh, I have so many questions that I would wanted to ask him…

Letter I

Life continues with its surprises and events take place with such a tremendous speed that is impossible to focus on them all and try to understand their meaning. Long time ago I challenged time and invited it into a duel. lately it seems we are quite getting along together, many things are erased by it, but I try to redefine them so that I keep the tempo carring with me all my memories. I try to redefine myself and the changes in me everyday. changes that amase me. Before I used to think that these changes are a tipical part of my lunatic characteristics. Now I think are more changes that derive from my immediate response, sometimes unconscious, to my reality. Trying to find my place in this world not by detaching myself from it ( as I used to do till some time ago) and living closed in my inner world, but by knowing it by trying to understand it, while keeping untouched the axes of my value system seems to be my greatest challenge. I have to give up a lot and it is frustrating. I feel lost sometimes, I feel pain, its difficult to close myself back in my shell. But at least I am on my way to finding a balance, without getting rid of the backbone of my existence. and that is LOVE.

?

for sure ,the one holding leaves in hands, or occasionally small aromatic colorful flowers in a physics class was ----me. It had started gradually ,then became a habit which it got transformed into unconscious collecting.Whether i was in a bible study, in a science class, painting ,INS immigration offices, i ,well i had sth in my hands.
-did you bring this for me?--- opps feeling of embarassement ,then-yes this is for you-smile more of a grin.
-Is this leaf real?--surprised..of course can't you tell? instead of saying that-- yes it is real.
-wow ,you collect leaves?
-No i don't.
-where did you get this ? -surprised
Me more then ever--- well there're plenty of trees with leaves...
-You are a romantic ?
Grin again: i guess.--know so little about me huh? Don't worry i don't expect you to know more.
Class ends, uhh tests again.
Have a good night to you little chineese girls.
I stop at the door .Where's my leaf? Forgotten .Sth else catches my attention . The eclipse's time hung on the door of the lab class.
9:15PM---partial eclipse of the moon
10:23--total eclipse begins
11:04--Mid totality
11:44--total eclipse ends
12:54--partial eclipse ends
October/ 27/2004
The prof behind my back while i take notes--Are you going to see it?
-Yes i will.--damn i wish i had a camera.
-You had one ,right?-D suggests in the car.
-I had one yes. Finished all of them.Can't resist temptation. Should by a proffesional one ,i guess.
-Red sox playing tonight? -i go to the kitchen.Hear her voice of astonishement.
-Wow they 3 to 0 up to now. They are winning big time.
Guess i have no interest in baseball like last year that i wanted to join a club to learn the sport. Still i want to persue the dreams of piano and flying lessons--grin-parashooting-grin again.
-I prayed for the Sox to win tonight.
Yeah heard that ,you prayed for me too. It was very inspiring, very encouraging.Meg and you encouraged me so much.
-You are my favorite sister in the world, have i told it to you?
A million times.
well what can i do , i am stuck with you--grin -- i am a punk,yeah.
I have noticed that lately because you have repeated it several times that i am a punk . and then grin with me.
What a good mirror you are sis!
what an angel!
thnx.