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Re: I almost choked

Citim:

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Po citoj ato që tha lorie
,i could hardly breathe when i saw you,your features.Then i trembled like a brownish autumn leaf and fell on the ground. Well,it was not me,it was my heart welling and rolling like a roll coaster. And i trembled more ,when i dined with you.
-It's cold,do you feel it?- what excuse...
I blamed myself back then- i hated flirting-i thougth it was plain wrong.I had sworn to myself not to. With the stiffness comes the coldness-or is it the other way round ?
It's not you ,it's the mystery of you,that sparkle in the eyes, the wierd words you said for the first time to me: do you see yourself married in a year,i don't...-as if i was interested in that particular privacy-threatening adventure/commitment.
Me neither -i said laughing.Now ,that wierdness sparkled my eyes. I had a challenge in front of me: you.I had to psyche you out. I love complications.
Not only the hormones were screaming but the millions of questions as well: an intellectual challenge.
Then, it was a relationship challenge since my best friend was so plain open about her crush for you.
We laughed hard, after some months when she got over him,when i told her that i had prayed so hard not to show any kind of feeling toward him during the Virginia christian retreat since she was so into him anyway. It was then that i told her i had liked him the first moment i had seen him-was it likeness..?
She thought i was so strong ,just because of the fact that i helped her confide her deepest worries about him when i had worries myself.
When the time of my shaking jaws had finished ,i had another challenge: that to talk freely and just casually with him.
My sister made fun of me when i was waiting for him to come to me ,not the other way round.She thought it was cute for me to be shy.I wanted to scream. He was talking to another girl - another one that had almost the same infatuation i did.She confessed it to us (my best friend and I) that sunday afternoon when we were going to eat at Panera's. Great! Another rival.-I thought discouraged...but not for long...
I soon learned i was one out of many that were experiencing the same thing i was-he wasn't even handsome..well a little,but not as handsome to have so many admirers.
Every girl that came in the picture wanted to get to know him in a 'deeper level'- that was The Expression. And i kept being patient for the girls to know him 'deeper' . He, on the other hand didn't even suspect he had a line of women running after him. That was the thing that made me laugh most and attracted me most. He was just unique, and unexplainable.
What a trip this guy!
That hot day,after whatching a jazz concert i lashed out all my thoughts to her, i couldn't keep things in for long.Besides i had learned whatever you don't talk about, is already out of control and i,more than anything, wanted to have control over some things ,or feelings related to a guy that had possesed a good part of my thoughts without even knowing him on a 'deeper level'. That was freaky!
And what i discovered in that confession was that i was attracted more to the challenge of mystery ,rather than the guy himself. I just wanted to know what ran through his mind ,more than anything,even the little details;what shampoo does he use for his hair?- is his room full of books since he loves reading?- how many fingers does he break when he plays football?- what are his patterns of behavior?-why so much guilt in his life?- why does he love sarcasm?-why doesn't he trust women?
Then i realized that the sooner i knew the answers, the sooner i could stop thinking about him. Everything was in the challenge of knowing-after knowing i would certainly lose interest.
Well, what if knowing will take me a lifetime...????


( here's one for fun- you might put it in the competition or not -i don't mind-i just got inspired) :p

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Lorie I read your last entries and I have to say the way you've described it all is very very captivating. I would like to read a book from you someday, I doubt that day is not so far.

I would love to read the rest. If it's okay with you let us know how everything goes.

thnx Ilirusa

that's very enchouraging, i haven't written in quite a long time and frankly i thought i didn't have much to write.
But it turns out ,writing a mirror of my life, is more than anything i can come up with. realism!
keep it real!- as my friend's( M.) favorite motto says

keep it real

as real as it gets.
Well, i sensed lately that when i was talking to him twice he was avoiding me.
"oh i've got to talk to x brother" And even though higly intuitive, i never dared to ask why he was behaving so strangely. I just went along and played like i didn't care...but i did.
By this time, i told my other friend W, what i felt for him after she made tons of uncomfortalbe questions. I knew she used to like him so why bother...but she kept enchouraging me that if i wanted to get to know him more i had to pursue the friendship with him. And if he was avoiding me then i should say to him straight to the face: what is wrong with you man?
I never wanted to do that, actually because he had so many admirers i didn't want to be his 'next victim' or his 'next statistic'.
She laughed out loud.
If he wanted to get to know me better, he had to make the first move for i knew i had tried to get to know him better but he was so complicated. He had changed of course. His spiritual walk with God had improved a lot, had become bolder and much more loving especially after returning to serving at the pre-teen Bible camp. And i had changed too. I had become firm, less shy and more giving. That alone doesn't really bring to anything because i was slowly getting the conviction that man is the pursuer and the woman is the pursued. And since God created us this way, i wanted to be hard to get,not to torture the guy, but to reveal him the treasure there is in a woman and the patience one has to have to win a woman's heart. Because yes, women have so much strength and fierce passion but at the same time vulnerability.
Song of songs in the Bible describes such a romantic and passionate love between a man and a woman,but one thing i learned from this book is you don't push somebody to love you, you don't go an extra mile to make the other person feel something for you. The only thing you can do is be lovable.
I know many women do just that;because of their insecurity,their fear of being alone for the rest of their lives, but having God in my life teaches me to stay still ,and be at peace even though the world around me is spinning like a hurricane; i have a rock and that is Him. God will reveal everything at its time.
Daughters of Jerusalem.. i charge you, do not awaken love until it so desires.--that was my line 3 months ago and still is.

I don't know what will happen next- and that's the fun part, that's adventure, if i knew i wouldn't be so thrilled to find out. it's like a soap-opera

I thought i would never write about it again

because i thought it was over. I thought: My heart can't be waiting for long so I want to just forget about him.(this is my typical reaction when something is hard-i shut off my heart) But something happened.... He moved from the singles ministry to help with the teens ministry,and since teens and campus ministries have most of its activities planned together i started seeing him and talking to him more than before. I was liking the idea that he was around but i wasn't liking the fact that i was a little uneasy when sitting in his car showing him the directions to go to another town where a devotional with other college christians was happening. There were 4 of us, MC, L, J, and I.
I kept thinking why did i still feel like that. Why uneasy? I thought i was over shyness. Surely i had come a long way-i used to shiver around him, but still even though i knew him, i had a hard time opening conversations that were dear to me.
One thing i realized was my stubborness, my pride. I have always been used to having a man first express his feelings for me,in most cases i prefer to be pursued ,( i mean what woman on earth wouldn't? ) but my friendship with him requires me to be more opened, to risk my heart more, something that i have trouble with.
This is one truth that i am starting to get more used to. My heart is very very precious. I never thought it was so special but knowing that i mean so much to God, that I mean His only Son, i know now that my heart is God's first and foremost priority. I know it is not right to fake i don't care for this person, it is a way of lying and lying is a sin, something God hates passionately and i hate passionately.
Even though i have trouble exposing my heart because i might get hurt, rejected, feel unloved i need to risk it so that i can live life to the fullest, the life Jesus preaches about. I know that only God will protect my heart, i can't depend on self-defense mechanisms, they don't let me grow as a person.
So it is the hardest thing for me to be a friend to him and yet keep it cool without him noticing that i have feelings for him but i have to, i have to be a better friend and maybe ,just maybe God will lead him to me.
Women choose extreemes: whether they run away from fear (my case) or they go upfront and let the person know openly their feelings. ( my best friend's case) It is so hard to chose the middle way, to like him and be a friend to him and hope for the best and surrendering your heart to God that if something that you want will not happen that is ok,and that is just fine,and for me that is all peace of heart.
So i will try the hardest way and let my heart in God's hands.(oh it's easier said, than done) My old self,my old pattern of doing things and dealing it MY way creeps in so often,insulting God's power. But i am so glad i serve a gracefull and much much loving God.
I love you Dad.