Libri per gruan e tij titullohet 'On grief observed'-what depth ,what heart,what pain!!!
Ndihem si ai sepse pikerisht sot mendova qe nuk kam bere nje pune te mire mbi veten time ne lidhje me T.
I have not grieved his loss in a healthy way.
He has not died but our relationship has.
Isha une qe i dhashe fund, me mendje te plote qe ishte vendimi me i mire dhe ai vendim qendron edhe sot duke ndjekur arsyetimin dhe llogjiken ne vend te ndjenjave. Por, vendimi im ,edhe pse qendron i drejte edhe sot, ishte shume i prepre,i rrepte mbi zemren time, dhe mbi zemren e tij. Dy jave pas asaj dite, ndjeva nje dhimbje kolosale qe s'e kisha ndjere me pare brenda meje,por duke patur parimin tim " Look forward and don't let obstacles get in your way and into your goals!" u perpoqa ta trajtoja dhimbjen perbrenda si dicka minimale, qe mund te kalohej pa folur, qe koha do bente te veten sic ben gjithmone. "March forward and things will be fine, don't let distractions your way."
Ah, por , kush kishte menduar qe 'lekura' ime e kishte nje limit? Zoti im kish sepse ne momentin me perfekt me tregoi dicka me shume mbi veten.
Dy muaj me vone, nisa masterin per terapiste ,dhe per cudine time, menyra si kisha perballuar dhimbjen ishte krejt jo e shendetshme,ishte nga ato menyrat e mia te mesuara qe ne vogeli( my childhood patterns of behavior) mos-shfaqje e ndjenjave, dhe shtirja nenkoshiente sikur une jam e forte dhe asgje nuk me tremb.
Because of my poor job of handling my pain i now have flashbacks. I miss him. I have not grieved the loss properly, i need to cry some more about him even though crying is the last thing i ever do,but i need to heal and move on. And crying is for the mature - i need to keep repeating that to myself so i may not forget -that crying means emotional growth, and that i still have a heart of 'flesh'-meaning a heart capable of a variety of emotions- a heart that bleeds and laughs and stirrs up in joy and it is passionate ,a heart that lives FULLY and AUTHENTICALLY.
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ah one more thing
the song- Help Yourself -from the movie UP IN THE AIR is one of those soothing songs that reminds me of healing.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=E6PAqnhIK9s