Regjistruar: 04/04/2003
Vendbanimi: broken glass
Mesazhe: 162

Fragments of my day



“Ah, your client, she died today. She was in a coma for 12 days, freebasing you know, she never came out of it. I’m sorry”
Damn, I got to go, my next client is waiting. I wonder what I’ll have for lunch… SHE’S DEAD?! Freebasing?!
-Hey Charlie, I gotta talk to ya.
-Can I touch base with you later?
Sure, it’s not that important.
I could give two shits that you’re happy today. Rememeber last week? You drove me craze with the whole “I’m a victim, nothing ever works out for me” cry-baby, hang me-save me attitude.
I bet you love me today don’t you? Last week you were ready to pull my eyes out of the skull…SHE”S DEAD. Freebasing? “The hell girl, what were you thinking?”
They slide a piece of paper under my door but I’m not there. I’ve checked out into “MY JOB SUCKS” hotel where they serve breakfast with a drink for every shitty morning you had in the past couple of months. Fuck, I’ll just get shitfaced.
-Do you wanna have luch with me?
-Lunch? I lift my head off my desk. –What time is it?
-Time for lunch. I heard about your client. Are you OK?
-Don’t know. I’ll be, I guess.
It finally hits me. And I walk with Jen towards the kitchen like a ghost but I’m not hungry. I’m sad. Very sad. And there was only one thought in my head, drilling like a stuborn, freaky scream. SHE DIED ALONE.
I finally picked up the paper from my floor. It’s a memorial service. Tomorrow at 1:00 pm. “…Loving mother of Cheryl, John grandmother to Tyron and Malcom, will be always remembered…” I see her picture, she looks so much younger… and happier…
I walk to the waiting room while I swallow a rebelious tear and collect my thoughts while I shiver, it’s cold…
My next client is waiting.

__________________
Truth hurts

Denonco këtë mesazh tek moderatorët | IP: e regjistruar

Regjistruar: 04/04/2003
Vendbanimi: broken glass
Mesazhe: 162

-You got me on a good day, I normally don’t talk.
(Especially to a strange, foreign, white, little 25-year-old woman like myself that reminds you of your daughter)
-It’s a good day for you
-Yeah, I had a good weekend.
Silence
Silence
(Don’t worry, remember, only people who are comfortable with each other can spend so much time in silence)
-So, how long have you been here, haven’t seen you before?
-Going on to a year now, not that long. I see you’ve changed several counselors.
-Yeah, nothing personal you know
(Sure, you’re bullshitting me!! It doesn’t get more personal than this)
-I’m ok with you, I feel comfortable.
(No shit! I’m flattered man. If it only was true for me)
-That’s important.
He now looks at me and GOD only knows what he’s thinking. I just begin to tap into how hard it is to be sitting in that chair. I look back and don’t say anything. He needs to know he controls this.
-My daughter just got out of the hospital. She’s got a rare blood disease, a black disease, you know. My wife and I both carry it but she’s got it full blown. It attacks the red blood cells…, it affects all her organs…, it’s not curable. I had an aunt die from it. I have never seen white people get it.
Silence
(Brace yourself girl, do you think he can sense your shiver?)
-How is she doing now?
-She’s OK.
-It must be heartbreaking for you to see her go through this. (My dad would be dead from grief by now)
-It’s Ok. I’m used to it.
(Sure you’re playing it tough)
-Some days are better than others.
And this was a good day…
I check him out and return to my office. I sit in the chair he was sitting and for a tiny moment I feel his pain. So much pain I can’t breathe…
-Alo, doja te te degjoja zerin…
-Mire je?
-No, tough session. I need a hug.
-HUG. Did you feel that?
I close my eyes and let myself go. His voice is warm and peaceful.
-Gotta go, pick me up tonight?
-Yeah.
They are already paging me. I take a deep breath. Here we go! My therapist is gonna love our next session. “Smile, it’s a good day”.

__________________
Truth hurts

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Regjistruar: 04/04/2003
Vendbanimi: broken glass
Mesazhe: 162

-Malaka-, she yells from the front desk and cracks up. Funny girl.
I get closer. Since my 9 hasn’t shown up yet I decide to hang out with her. I admire people like her. They are the ones that just slide right into a new environment like they always belonged there. No confusion, no inhibition, no anxiety. It’s amazing.
-Teach me some more,- she sounds like a 3 year old.
Yep. She’s one of us.
-Ik o pirdhu!-and I look at her confusion so seriously, so calmly, pretending she knows what I’m saying.
-Write it down,-all the confusion is gone. “Adorable”, I think.
-Oh, com’on man you’re gonna make me write it down now? I’ve forgotten my own language.
She laughs.
I write it down. She goes: “Ik o pird-hu?” I can’t stop laughing. This is much more fun than my 9 o’clock appointment.
-No, no, see d and h together makes one letter which is pronounced “DH”,-I can’t help laughing at myself, I sound stupid.
I explain what it means.
-What kinda swearing is that?! You just told me to go to the bathroom.
I crack up again.
-I got more,-I continue, like it’s “which language has the most ridiculous-sounding swears’-contest.
-Shoot.
-TRAP!
-TRAP!-she repeats.
-Excellent. It means asshole.
-I like that.
-It also means something else but that’s lesson # 2.
-Ah, malaka,-she goes again.
I laugh.
And I feel so melancholic for a moment. I miss Albania. It’s so different there. People there know what I’m talking about…most of the time anyway.

__________________
Truth hurts

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Regjistruar: 23/06/2004
Vendbanimi: on the palm of God's hand
Mesazhe: 200

-hej , are you okay?- i heard T. saying as soon as i turned around.
-yes ,i am okay.-my face must have been white ,i wasn't feeling well.
-Some water?-he said looking at me carefully. i was getting nervous.
- i am fine.- i was ready to throw up.Had been very sick lately.Aren't you supposed to stay in bed ,relax ,have popcorn ,whatch a good comic movie ,spoil yourself a little when you are sick? I guess i had said goodbye to those -have-a-good-treat-when-you -are-sick days and was just left to work.
Damn , my glands hurt, most of all ,the freaking humm in my heart was scaring me out.
I saw J. coming when i was at lunch. I just prayed he wouldn't buy me any other ice cream out of the blue like some times ago.
NO ice cream please, my glands are red and swollen and affecting my hearing.
I entered in.
-Como estas senorita? - i heard C. talking to me .-oh couldn't i have some peace?
-Can't poeple have some privacy around here?- i said to him knowing very well that he wouldn't understand me. What fun..!
-No compreendo- he shook his head. I arranged some words that sounded more italian than portugese and said:
-Sto bene ,tu?
-Bien- he said with a big grin in his face.
He looked busy ,i made an extraordinary effort to somehow help him.
-Obrigado
-De nada
My face was waxed , neither smiled nor cried, stayed so put that not any movement could cause any furhter headache.
Then T. entered and his loud voice made my head spin. I heard him go from real estate problems to money issues ,and then talking about his mother that forgot to pay the bills because had lost the envelopes and then ended up directing the words at me :
-You know? i always tell three rules to my girls:
I didn't ask what they were , i already knew them .Since he didn't get bored repeating them finding them funny i let him have fun and take his damn sweet time.Maybe it could help my headache.
The rules are:
1don't date someone like me.
2no alcohool and drugs
3and if you find alcohool and drugs give them to me.
Then burst out luaghing.
I looked at him and said slowly: well done ,your girls must be very proud of their caring daddy ..-and half smiled.
When i told minutes later to speak lower i guess he sensed i wasn't feeling well.
-What's wrong with you? You broke up with your boyfrined Gustav Shveiztauher ?
-Get a life ! - i told him not wanting to think what would be like to have a Gustav for a boyfriend.
-You mean :get a wife?- he said grinning
-Yes , getting a wife for you would be your worst punishement- i said smiling pointing out his weakest point.
-You know ,you are right,that would be the worst. women are not to be trusted :if you can't deal with them you can shoot them.-he made the face of a serial killer.
i slapped him on his back induced by my anger toward his sexist ideas :that's why you keep a gun in your trunk ,you are so much afraid of them?What a chicken you are!-i said grinning.
-you warrier.I went in Albania and i didn't find any warriers like you had said it to me. You are either the last one or you are lying to me.
-Well you got to check again ,there are plenty that can kick your butt ..and with guns -i said grinning.
He laughed :you albanian babes are funny,you -and went away leaving only silence around.Oh finally my ears were in peace .
I made my way toward the restroom .It flet like i was going to faint for a moment.I bent next to the wall and stayed there for minutes praying not to throw up from my strong headache. Oh that was the wrost ,it was like getting your heart out .
As much as i pretended i was fine , i needed to rest,a long rest .The thought didn't last long though, didn't have the luxury.
i went back to work.

__________________
Fear less,hope more/eat less,chew more/whine less,breathe more/talk less,say more/love more and all good things will be yours:p(swedish proverb)

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Regjistruar: 23/06/2004
Vendbanimi: on the palm of God's hand
Mesazhe: 200

-Draw three pictures that represent you best...
-I have already drawn one.-i said grinning and pointed out the picture on the wall that i had called 'chaos'.
-No, not that one.Draw objects.
-Like what?
-For example : a bridge if it is a bridge that represents you.
-I have no idea.- and then the thought came to my mind:no sense of self ?can't think outside the box honey? And yet i knew it was there in me ,in my mind but i couldn't draw a stable one, not even one sketch that showed rest, settlement.I was still on a journey ,still changing.
-Draw something,anything that comes immediately to the top of your mind.
My mind was just BLANK,scary and blank.Where was my uniqueness?
Then after thinking it over i drew a quick sketch of a person with very long arms and small body.
-What's that? Half person?-she asked me smiling.
In a different time that would have been a half person but it wasn't.
-No,it's a person with opened arms,stretched toward the air ,toward others,stretched for wanting help and for giving help,for affection.
I went away with the fear of blankness ,of just void. A What -now? question.
I feared that i couldn't find anything specific ,anything symbolic to frame myself.But could the self be framed in just a simple sketch ,or three?
A bridge -she had said.M was a bridge,i could see it afterwards. I had the sense of her being a bridge. Because one of her most strong feelings/traits was self sacrifice.M layed her life for others ,sacrificed for others,made paths and eased the way for others toward their goals.She was a bridge .what were I?
I was a thinker,a dreamer .. etc,i was a million things.
Nothing specific though,i couldn't sketch myself.
I knew i was not a bridge ,not yet..., i had been a walker on the bridge but not the bridge itself.
What were I?

__________________
Fear less,hope more/eat less,chew more/whine less,breathe more/talk less,say more/love more and all good things will be yours:p(swedish proverb)

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Regjistruar: 24/08/2003
Vendbanimi: night
Mesazhe: 2545

you are the moon catcher or un champiñón

__________________
No, no dejéis cerradas las puertas de la noche, del viento, del relámpago, la de lo nunca visto.

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Regjistruar: 23/06/2004
Vendbanimi: on the palm of God's hand
Mesazhe: 200

:p

-----
And i remembered the saying:" Perseverance builds character ...character builds hope...."
and i wrote it down because it spoke so much to me.Sometimes i lacked perseverance,sometimes my patience could go in the bottom line when i was ready to give up and i didn't want that ,i didn't want to be a quitter.
He cited a fragment from the bible ,something like:love your enemy like you love yourself" and then said:
-You know what i did? I made this whole list of people i didn't like and i made an effort to talk to them,to greet them and be near them. There was this guy that i didn't like in the whole world and i started talking to him.
My immediate thinking was: now that is called hypocrisy ,you can't fake being nice to a person while your heart speaks the contrary.Or at least I can't .
The guy continued : At the end it is not that our friendship grew much but i was happy i had talked to the guy because you know what happened ?
--I realized sth else -at the end my heart had melted more . I was transformed as a person,my heart had been transformed.

Only after that i could understand that after all ,that was not hypocrisy . It was only a part of himself that wanted to open and wellcome even though it was hard ,that wanted to persevere, to build hope.
Only then i could relate to my experience.
I ,having had trust issues because i had been hurt by a friend had sworn not to forgive him in a million years.
And then it was me who had talked to him again, it was me who had forgiven ,and yet it was mine the heart that had melted like the ice of the ending winter .
It was a 360 degree of turning from resentment to compassion.

__________________
Fear less,hope more/eat less,chew more/whine less,breathe more/talk less,say more/love more and all good things will be yours:p(swedish proverb)

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Regjistruar: 10/01/2003
Vendbanimi: .
Mesazhe: 5233

this is a nice theory. I would better wish for the other what you wish for yourself. I know I have a big heart and there is place for everybody there. at least the first temptation is to love and trust everyone. later on it depends on the others too. anyway after carring in my shoulders so much experience with human communication, I have found out in myself that I can forgive anything with the passing of time, because all that remains in me is only the positive. IF in need, even the "enemies" I can help. But I prefere not to interfere with them anymore. lets say status quo of not speaking and not communicating. I don't think I can love them again. what is destroyed can't be rebuiled but at least I make an effort to behave like human and not to add more sadness or stress or what ever than what it really exists. after I have forgiven them- I forget their existence

__________________
It takes just as much courage to express your love when it's right, as it does to walk away when it's wrong.

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Regjistruar: 04/04/2003
Vendbanimi: broken glass
Mesazhe: 162

I’m lying in the ambulance while the EMT is working on the other guy “just a touch on the busy side” he said. I’m lying there trying to stop myself from shaking with a self-hypnosis technique that someone very special taught me not too long ago. I have been thinking lately that the universe has been trying to reach me but I never pick up that call. Just the other day, I was thinking about all those people that in some cosmic, inexplicable way have come to my life and changed me forever. Oh, and what about those strange connections I have made with people in so many unexpected and enchantingly surprising ways. It’s the opposite of irony. It’s like 10.000 spoons when all you need is exactly a spoon.
I was thinking about T. What an amazing character! “I know I’ll be able to make it”- she said,-“but then I wonder what if…” And I so wanted to yell “that’s exactly how I feel” but then I heard my good old supervisor’s voice: “remember who you’re helping, make sure it isn’t you”. That’s right! I’m consumed by the infinite possibility of “what if”.
-I’ve got a 25 yr old female, back passenger seat, restrained, minor hemotoma on her head. No loss of consciousness. She was standing when we got there…
-How is he doing? “Fucking drunk bastard WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GOING THAT FAST?!”
-He’ll be fine.
My head hurts, maybe from thinking too much. So this is the ER. God, I hate overheads…Oh lords have mercy, my doctor is so fucking cute. Oh, and by the way doc, they striped me down to my panties…Yep, I’m officially in a weird state of trance…
Oh, and what about K. I had a funny empty feeling in my stomach when she told me she was leaving soon. She’s one of those people that come into your life for no reason at all and they leave for no reason at all but you always remember because they saw through you like no one else did before. I know she’ll always be with me. The next time I think “what a hottie!” for a random girl in line at the supermarket I’ll hear her say “you’re such a dyke!” I know I’ll never get rid of her until she actually writes D.Y.K.E on my freaking forehead. And now I have a huge purple egg on my forehead, perfect for Halloween, no costume needed.
And so I wonder. Life isn’t changed much tonight. No new appreciation for life or shit like that. I’ m lying on a bed in the ER and I’m taking the pain in, I’m feeling it deep in my bones and I’ve stopped thinking. All there is, is right now. And right now is exactly what I need. Some sleep would be great, thank you.

__________________
Truth hurts

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Regjistruar: 04/04/2003
Vendbanimi: broken glass
Mesazhe: 162

-What would it look like, you know if you were happy?
-I’d be single for one thing. Don’t know, I’d feel good being alone. This, my life, it’s safe. And I need it to be safe. Is safe all there is though? Look, I don’t even know what it would look like.
Silence
-I get bored very easily. With everything. And then all the distractions. All the impossible relationships I get myself into. You know, if I indulged in all the little temptations I would have made a mess of my life and hurt people I really care about. This overbearing sense of responsibility it’s draining me to the bone. I feel old and it sucks. I’m lost. I don’t know where I’m going. So I’ll sit still for a while…
And so I decide. For now. I’ve tried to run for so long. I’ve come to hate therapy in the very sense of the world. Why is it that therapy looks at my fear and turns it into anxiety? Fear is external, my reality is fearful. I have no one. I belong nowhere. How fucking real is that? I’m not anxious. I don’t even have issues with being alone. I have issues with being MISPLACED, in time, in space…

__________________
Truth hurts

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