Forumi Horizont (http://www.forumihorizont.com/index.php3)
- *Literary rainbow* (http://www.forumihorizont.com/forumdisplay.php3?forumid=324)
-- Fragments of my day (http://www.forumihorizont.com/showthread.php3?threadid=6120)

my day? full of hallucinations

my night? finally I was granted a little sleep. nevertheless full of wired dreams

Today I had that regressed feeling of being 15 on the very first day of school. Wondering if I look right, if I can sit still, if I can even say a word without shaking or embarrassing myself, wondering will I see the person I so long to see, wondering if it would feel different.
And the day streches itself so much it'll never let go, it'll never end. It feels like I've lived so many days in one. My whole life in a moment, a sweet, sweet moment...

Please help me stay away from you. Stay away from myself too. No one ever touched me so deep, no one ever knew me for me. No one. And here I am, melted by your kiss, broken by the way you look deep into me. Damm, March seems so far away. “Good things come to those who wait” you said. I’ve spent a lifetime waiting, not knowing what for, waiting for you. Tonight I’ll drink, till I don’t feel my heart anymore, till I don’t feel my guilt. Till I pass out and dream endlessly about burning in hell and wake up sweaty and tormented, lonely, without you. Your music is playing on the background and all I can think about is your touch. Tonight I’ll cry for me, for you, for the sadness between us, the pain that separates us…I miss you already…

Morning was all talk talk talk which i had missed a lot. Especially sharing even the most trivial things which i didn't consider worth of talking but they are i guess.
Then piano, dramatically playing it as if i was aniticpating a death.I don't know who to be:the woman on the piano or the photographer of that piano .Can i be both?
I thought i needed some cuts in my life.
Phone calls responded to secretary machines: You just reached ......3 our phone has decided to collaborate so that you can leave us a message" and the last word was prolonged with a female ala coquette voice which i found it original.
The TV in another room was giving bits of sequences, intervals interrupted as if the TV had decided to think in a stream of counsciousness jumping from one topic to the other without making sense.Or was it probably schizophrenic?
Then i made myself to walk ,which was painfully done and there i see her trying video tapes and DVD-s. Guessed the TV hadn't gone mad after all.
I walked back in the room and wrote ,wrote ,wrote and thought ,with the pain in my body.
And here i am still in pain eager to read about the secret society Priory of Sion and its mysteries and trying to think how i can get that book.
Strange ,the feeling is one of those that i have when i enter Border book- cafe stores. The rows of books make me feel pain because i am reminded of how much books there's to read and how so few i have read. Crazy?
She told me i was having depressed feelings, which was followed by a contradiction and ignorance of : Does she understand me at all? Am i so much different from others? IS the eagerness to know more and more something usual to everybody ?
I think it is or i hope so at least cause i don't want to be different. I don't. I am tired already.
All these and other things in my mind circle like ventilation in progress ,and me still feeling like i am out, behind a wall.I know the way to get out,I know it by heart,i just need some encouragement and for sure i am gonna do it.
---
Today i saw him in a different light.I saw him and this whole thing easy,unhindered and pure.

Citim:

---

Po citoj ato që tha rrushi
No one ever touched me so deep, no one ever knew me for me. No one. And here I am, melted by your kiss, broken by the way you look deep into me. Damm, March seems so far away.

---

Today was another of those days ......... needed but not loved, lusted after but not cherished..... I say to myself maybe it's just the weather..... lack of sunshine. So cliche, but can't wait for spring.

I keep looking at the screen, I write a few words, and then......... push the "backspace" button. I can't believe this, no inspiration ....... no imagination ....... years ago I wrote faster than I could say the words. What happened to my muse? Probably she went on vacation....maybe in the Caribeans.... not that I blame her.
Looking at myself, now, I would leave her too. I can barely hear my inner voices saying "it is too cold in there!" My inner voices..... they are fading away. Good! I say to myself, the last thing I need is self-pity. Never good at that, anyways. Oh, well, like Scarlet used to say "tomorrow is another day!"

i return after ...

...a trip. Sick and happy.Hopefull.
Yeah ,i had headaches dissecting my brain ,while right at the moment i was having my forehead ,my eyes ,my lips photographed.Refusing to take any antibiotichs (because of the stubborness of enduring the pain) I thought it was a great distraction since everybody seemed to be far unreachable and sleeping in warm linens.
Yeah ,sick as a dog and fresh as a baby.What mixture was that !
They didn't seem me.Reflections of an unknown which i liked and at the same time i feared that i liked them.
The trip had the same usual metamorphosis that happens to me: boheme.
We were wanderers in the snow,we tugged our hands deep in our pockets and walked ,sometimes stopping to take pictures,sometimes mystifying them and laughed and shared.
What force was there that lifted me up and made me fly ,made me be soft and opened as much as i could be hurt? And i loved it.
I loved meeting every single person in that room.
I loved even the awkward scene of me forgeting that i was a hug addict.
Strange the love i show (now that i remember) it's not at all romantic. She told me i wasn't the little bit. And of course i remained shocked.
-But i thought i was, isn't writing so? Isn't everything that i do so?
She denied it with the simplest No i have ever heard.
-The right word to describe you would not be romantic .It's something else.
It's ...i don't know.
The impatience was building up .I was all ears ,waiting for her "proper" adjective for me.
-So?
-I don't know ,you just have a mind of your own.
-That's it?-dissapointment
After a long silence the question popped out like a mock: So you are meaning that i am wierd?
-Don't push it now .
Disapointment and yes, terra firma.
__
What magic world was yesterday? Lightning of it could be seen today even though even today the water somehow was dirty.. It would never be perfect would it? Damn It !
But the surprises were uplifting.It felt like living in a city of artists...
It felt of new creation...
For some reason..my truth is pure and simple.
For some reason ..i lack some love.
For some reason..my affection to others is expressed in everything but words said out loud.
For some reason..if i love ,if i suffer,if i cry ,it all happens within some walls of my being that don't show much in the outside world.
For some reason..i don't want to know the reasons of how i did become like this.

-Rushi!
-Chula!
-How did it go?
-There’s something really special about going into people’s homes. The home has her own spirit, her distinct scent, her mood, her rhythm. It fascinates me, the process, you know. I don’t think I’ve ever met so many people all at once in my entire life. I think some of their energy stays with me after the interview.
The cat really liked me.
-Cats have a way of knowing special people.
-That’s very true.
We both laugh.
-You know, it’s been only a week but it feels like a lifetime. This process has a life of its own. It’s grown and I’m growing with it. I don’t have that infantile fear anymore, the doubt turned into curiosity, the insecurity into acceptance. It finally feels so right to have no clue where I’m going, so few restrains so much room to breathe.
I’ve grown up overnight. I can finally be honest with me.
-It might even be sooner than you thought.
-I’m scared but I’ll be just fine by myself.
Silence
-You’re not by yourself. I’m here for you.
-I feel like you’ve walked with me all the way. It’s a nice feeling.
-This thing that connects you and I, don’t know what it is. I just know it’s amazing.
-It’s so nice to not have to give a name to everything. Why do we tend to define everything and fit it into what we know?
-Well, you’ve broken all the rules. How does it feel?
-No, I’ve reconsidered my rules and I’m trying to make new ones. It’s very liberating.
-Well, it was good to hear your voice.

As usual, I am procrastinating....... need to make phone calls, go to the bank, the gym..... well, just don't feel like doing anything today. Or any day, for that matter..... I want to sleep, or be in a state of temporary coma.... for a while..... When I wake up, be that accidentally, or kissed by prince charming (not that I would think of myself as sleeping beauty...lol, but it would be nice!)
I would want to wake up in a different place, different time, different world....where I wouldn't procrastinate, where I would seize the moment, hold it for some time, knowing that it would disapear in the forgetful past. I would want to wake up in a world where my tears and smiles melt into a passionate interlude of a turbulent but exciting existence and not from frustration, annoyance or mere politeness.
I would want to wake up to a different me, emptied of apathy, but full of rage and fervor.......exploding as they join together....

Daydreaming.....

I hate forgeting my rules of apathetic behaviour........among them, crucial to my existence - procrastinate daydreaming.......