Forumi Horizont (http://www.forumihorizont.com/index.php3)
- *Literary rainbow* (http://www.forumihorizont.com/forumdisplay.php3?forumid=324)
-- Fragments of my day (http://www.forumihorizont.com/showthread.php3?threadid=6120)

I don’t know at what point I realized I was relieved because I was so busy being overwhelmed. I’m officially retiring from the dating scene and desperately craving some time to myself. The only thing that’s worse than not knowing what you want is realizing that what you wanted was always there in front of you. This has been an ongoing struggle to be honest with my feelings and forget about my reasons. I mean, it’s not like I was getting anywhere by reasoning anyways. And so I surrender to my feelings, completely, no “ifs”, “ands”, or “buts” about it. I used to think that going after what I really want is a mute point since I could always run into the problem of changing my mind. But this, this is very different. This is the first time that my indecisiveness and inability to be honest with myself has hurt people in an unforgivable way. They, I know, will forgive me, but I don’t think I ever will.
And then there’s always that doubt, that miniscule, stubborn, nerve-wracking doubt that I have made the wrong decision which, of course, is completely useless since only time can tell for sure. I often wonder if there’s a price for happiness other than pain.
Today I witnessed the pure, devastating pain of being rejected by the person you love the most. There is nothing I can do or say to ease the pain; the only way to ease the pain is to feel it, live it, breathe it. The only real cure is time. It hurts me to know that I am the cause but somewhere inside there’s a part of me that hurts even more for who used to be me. Of course you had nothing to do with my previous heartbreak but how naïve to think that the painful journey through Rejectionville is a one-way street.
Today I’m spending time with myself for the first time in a while and I’m finding that the difference between loneliness and peace is merely a point of view. I don’t know what tomorrow brings and I’m learning to practice patience and humility. And maybe my safe heaven is closer to home than I thought.