Forumi Horizont (http://www.forumihorizont.com/index.php3)
- *Literary rainbow* (http://www.forumihorizont.com/forumdisplay.php3?forumid=324)
-- Fragments of my day (http://www.forumihorizont.com/showthread.php3?threadid=6120)

I am back..

..i am renewed,
..i am stronger.

I am striking back,
i am growing spiritually
i am experiencing pain with perseverance
and happiness with fullfillment.
LIFE IS SO FULL

I don’t know at what point I realized I was relieved because I was so busy being overwhelmed. I’m officially retiring from the dating scene and desperately craving some time to myself. The only thing that’s worse than not knowing what you want is realizing that what you wanted was always there in front of you. This has been an ongoing struggle to be honest with my feelings and forget about my reasons. I mean, it’s not like I was getting anywhere by reasoning anyways. And so I surrender to my feelings, completely, no “ifs”, “ands”, or “buts” about it. I used to think that going after what I really want is a mute point since I could always run into the problem of changing my mind. But this, this is very different. This is the first time that my indecisiveness and inability to be honest with myself has hurt people in an unforgivable way. They, I know, will forgive me, but I don’t think I ever will.
And then there’s always that doubt, that miniscule, stubborn, nerve-wracking doubt that I have made the wrong decision which, of course, is completely useless since only time can tell for sure. I often wonder if there’s a price for happiness other than pain.
Today I witnessed the pure, devastating pain of being rejected by the person you love the most. There is nothing I can do or say to ease the pain; the only way to ease the pain is to feel it, live it, breathe it. The only real cure is time. It hurts me to know that I am the cause but somewhere inside there’s a part of me that hurts even more for who used to be me. Of course you had nothing to do with my previous heartbreak but how naïve to think that the painful journey through Rejectionville is a one-way street.
Today I’m spending time with myself for the first time in a while and I’m finding that the difference between loneliness and peace is merely a point of view. I don’t know what tomorrow brings and I’m learning to practice patience and humility. And maybe my safe heaven is closer to home than I thought.

Recently I have been reflecting on the drive that has kept me interested in human nature from a very young age. Through all the struggles of being in the helping profession, all the paperwork, politics, frustration and doubts about my ability to be helpful, I have come to a very interesting conclusion. One of my patients once told me that the real reason why we counselors chose to do what we do is “to feel better about ourselves” and that in some really sick way we get pleasure from pretending to help people that are, according to most societal standards, less than us. And as I was sitting in my office the other day sipping my morning green tea, I realized than despite all the defenses I had build that day to protect my profession’s “reputation”, deep down I knew that the reasons why I became a counselor in the first place were more selfish than I was ever willing to admit.

I have come to the conclusion that at some point the professional and personal lives of therapists become inadvertently infused in one. I have realized that what really drives me is the quest to figure out why other people do the things they do which, in some really strange way, always helps me uncover the mysteries of my own mind. It’s like a constant striving to understand myself and others and be the best person I can be while I help others do the same. So many times, my patients have inexplicably helped me solve some of my own mysteries.

It’s naïve to assume that we therapists are impartial, objective practitioners who function on hardcore scientific principals at all times. We are humans above all the information and wisdom we have gathered along the way. I believe that the true therapeutic value of what I do comes from the very human encounter of two people who fully trust and respect each other. Not from one’s expertise on the other’s dysfunction. And as I came to this realization I became even more scared of the enormous emotional risk we take in therapy at being intimate and committed to another human being. I used to think that it sucks to be sitting in the chair opposite of me and have to talk about your most valued memories, thoughts, dark secrets, fears and joys. I felt safe because I didn’t have to share about my life, I just had to listen. But then I discovered my chair wasn’t more comfortable at all. I didn’t know witnessing someone’s spiritual journey would be such an emotional growth for me.

Last week my patient’s mother passed away. She had been sick for a long time and I had sat with her week in and week out listening to her struggles. And as she was telling me how she helped her let go and rest in peace I felt my eyes fill up. I didn’t try to stop myself as I usually do; I just sat there, reached for a tissue and offered her one. It was the closest I had come to death and it was a feeling I will never forget.

Why is it that the hardest part about being nice is accepting that other people are just NOT? And not just any people! People you love and cherrish. People only you know. The ones that stay with you forever. People who hurt you everytime they get love, as if they were desperately looking for hate instead. People who spend most of their life being high on misery and crazyness. God how I pitty them! They sit at your door step crying for forgiveness looking all fucked up and you know its because they're coming down...nothing is real...you almost wish they weren't either. But you keep taking them in with arms wide open. They beg you not to hate them because they hate themselves enough.
The courage to leave. You get it from pitty and discust, from knowing lonleyness is better than their company. You're relieved by the simplicity of a long warm bath, by the sound of your own breathing.
Nothing seems to get me warm tonight. As I desperately look for a place to lay my thoughts to rest, as I worry helplessly about your fate. You won't dream of me as you sleep it off but you'll remember me tomorrow. You'll think of the touch of my cheek on yours as I hug you farewell and know it's the last time you'll feel my arms wrapped around you. My poor child! You will think of me.

Oh my

10:28 am. I had so many plans done out for the day and i just stopped in front of this computer to find out about negative self talk.
The google helps a lot, peer journals more so but i was looking for some quick tips to this revocery road-then i laugh ,peacefully thinking that quick tips won't do nothing in your life. and i am the proof of a long growing journey. Yahooo!!!
I am so excited at the same time that today i am giving a lesson to my Bible talk friends about how for everything negative that we say to ourselves, God,our creator has a back up scripture in the Bible .And THAT"S our positive self talk.
I used to struggle so much with insecurity. I was terribly insecure about my abilites to do sth.
And then i kept reading and memorizing Psalm 94:22 The Lord has become my fortress and my God the rock in whom i take refuge.

When i pray i litteraly feel like i am protected and in a shelter. Somebody looks out for me ,you know?
Heb 12:1
What is amazing is that God beleives in us more than we beleive in ourselves.

I finally came to accept myself jsut because of him.

and fear, i might ahve been the most fearful person i ever knew. I was afraid of the cat looking at me thinking she was judging me,
I was afraid of saying the truth to people-people pleaser, i was afraid of discovering to be a failure, i was afraid of crying,of laughing, of saying something i shouldn't have said, of making mistakes,i was afraid to love, afraid to have real friends.
Fear is very trapping!!!
And here i go,one scripture that has always been in my mind for the past year :
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity ,but a spirit of power,of love and of self-discipline.

I am still awestruck and i pray i will always be by the total change God does to people. I am truly speechless of amazement about the Bible.
My psychology books and teachings just touch the tip of the Bible teachings. I sometimes feel that psychology findigns and theories are so shallow to the Bible. There's so much more to love ,there's so much more to the soul, there's so much more to psychological disorders.
And i want so wholeheartedly to make it known to people. I want so wholeheartdly to become a Christian counselor and help people out, i want so much more for them to know what they are missing;true happiness.
There's this fire burning inside me for humanity.I pray God can give me more wisdom to turn sanity back to people.

Meanwhile, i have to prepare for my first teaching: For everything negative that we say to ourselves ,God has something positive to say. (and this is just the tip of the ice berg..

well, you have certainly made it known to me!
You write so smoothly, so easily and it is such a delightful and sweet reading to me!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!

My most important prayer of my life is not to be healthy, or poweful or important but if I can go through life being as close to God as I can possible can it would be the highest achievement of my being! And, there's certainly hope.

thank you shejtonja u r very sweet.





i feel fainted...no food,no water, no concentration in writing in my so many assignemnts. Barely talking. who am i fooling? i ain't strong. i thought i could just skip meals and be fine with it.I was wrong. It's like trying to fill up some blank while breathing or looking like you have had crack.
Either than that--i am excited. the excitement is not very expressible -it would take much energy out of me and make me feel like throwing up. I am exited for yesterday.Awesome! College people from New England i knew, campus ministry people i didn't, came along to fellowship here in the cold city of W in a campus conference.Lowel's lesson and preaching was really nice, a lesson of being a braveheart and being humble.E lesson of dreams and visions for campus ministry. We ate pizza after,as if pizzas weren't just enough for my expertise...(hint hint getting tired of pizza working)
Cute guys, shy smiles, taking mannyyy pics while having fun and building memories.Early that day my sister woke me up since 8 a'clock to get ready for the church service filling me in what i had missed last day while working. Patryce had to fix the audio room so we had to get early. But along the way there was plenty of time to be 'dolled up' :p well cute spiritual guys coming... I felt almost like i was going to church to get a boyfriend rather than worship my Lord. :p(i know it was both) But then,He knew, i had already mentioned it to Him and prayed about it.
There i was beaming with joy for the opportunity i had to make other christian friends, to have a servant heart in serving the visitors and to play with kids like a kid (with Jewls,Tanner,Heiz,little Lilie) We ate, we palyed drums and piano since the band was there still, we laughed,we danced and we huged. And at last when everybody was away the three of us Meg, Wennie and I laid down on the carpet tired while Patryce snapped 3 pics at us. A bag of memories-phone nr and e-mails exchanged, adventures in front of me, and a load of plans for the future.
Now my resolutions this year were many but i got another one on the way just yesterday during my excitement.MISSION TRIPS,helping the poor. The mission trip of my church leaders to India this february was touching, was heartfelt to see pictures and videos of these Indian people living in tents,with no food ,no water with a wage of $15.00 per month. I have everything i could wish for and i should be grateful about them, i am so spoiled by myLord's blessings that he has showered upon me. Yeah, i love to serve,just like Jesus did, i would love to give what i have ,to help with what i can.
I hope my God has the same plan for me,this year i want to be off for the HOPE WORLDWIDE volunteering trip.
I am so excited, i really don't mind my lack of food today.

Citim:

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Po citoj ato që tha shejtonja
My most important prayer of my life is not to be healthy, or poweful or important but if I can go through life being as close to God as I can possible can it would be the highest achievement of my being! And, there's certainly hope.

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check this site

http://www.hopeworldwide.org/index.htm

i wanted to go off for the Katrina relief down south. i am praying.
love ya gal. write u soon

So yeah

Yesterday i started thinking that my days will be very challenging. Actually yesterday was one of them. But i know where to go and who to talk to,where to turn and what to do when these days come. And because milk and honey(Exodus) has been poured in my heart and actually growing abundantly i try not to worry. Worrying after all is a sin and i am soooo glad it is because i wouldn't want to spend my next half hour panicking when that half hour i can spend it singing to my God who is so awesome.
Very challenging days are coming for me--but it is just a test and that's it. Iam sure iwill come out of it stronger and much mature in my Lord.